Always changing

I’ve always had those “another step” moments while doing my yoga practice. These are specific moments. I know that every day is different, but some differences click inside. I do not always fully understand what has actually happened. It may be the understanding of the posture but sometimes it is something more emotionally related.

These last two weeks I’ve been questioning everything, really every…thing. I look like one of those rebels without a cause as I’m not even sure what I am rebelling against. And off course I’ve been questioning my own practice.

I know there are things that need to change but I’m not ready to face the consequences. We all need to face our demons especially when we’ve been running away from them for too long. My demons are there when I practice, are there in my mind, are there goofing around and saying “you’re not good enough, you’ll never be good enough.”

I know that yoga is not about what you see with your eyes but what you realize with your soul. I know that the best flexibility and strength are internal and everything that comes externally is just a bonus. We must be grateful for it but shouldn’t make it our goal or yoga will become a sport and not yoga.

Yoga means connecting, among other meanings. The problem is you may not be quite ready to connect with the inner parts of yourself because that means facing your darkness, your prejudice, your failures.  That means facing you, the real you, seeing who you really are. That is scary as hell!!!

Yesterday I sat for a while looking at Guruji’s picture (Pattabhi Jois). I wondered if he ever had these questions, if he ever felt lost. I don’t know if gurus ever feel lost. I guess they do, right?!

Pattbhi Jois used to say “practice, practice, practice and all is coming.” I’ve changed my interpretation of this quote over the years.

At the beginning I though he meant “do the physical practice of yoga and you’ll be able to do scorpion pose one day.” I was wrong, I was naïve and I was a bit silly, I think.

Every day we do some kind of practice, the practice of being a human being. And for that reason, we experience fear, hope, sadness, joy, angriness, we get in love, we get emotional, and so on.

Something is always happening inside, something is always coming, a new learning, a new experience, a new chance.  This is my opinion of this sentence today. I may change my opinion within a month. Nothing new!

Having written all this, I can only add that, for now, I’m taking a moment at a time, trying to focus only on the present moment. I have not become wiser. No! But the past is gone and the future is a mystery. I don’t like mysteries. I don’t like the uncertainty.

But even this exact moment has become part of the past within seconds and the immediate future is around the corner. Well, I can’t do nothing about it.