Everything changes

I change my opinion quite often. I get angry like a spoiled brat. I'm silly. I'm naïve. I say I’ll never do this again, I’ll never be this kind of person again. And then, I do it again.

I may know what I have to do. I may know who I want to become. Accepting that I need to change is one thing. Another very different thing is being ready to change. Therefore, I’m always stuck in some kind of emotional and mental roller-coaster. Constant ups and downs.

At these moments I'd rather just run away to somewhere far from here, far from the people I know, far from the reality I’m always in. I would do this if I could. It might be a good thing that I can’t, that I’m not allowed to.

As I look through the window, I see the same streets, the same faceless crowd. I hear the same sounds, over and over again. It seems everything is always the same, always in the same place but things change.

This Monday I went to Saldanha after work. As I was walking near Camões School I looked at the garden nearby. I used to go there especially in the Summer, would sit beneath the trees and read. One time, when autumn came, I collected yellow and brown leaves to build a little temple for my Buddhas. I had no place to go back then. Nothing was mine. Everything seemed borrowed. But this Monday I knew exactly where I was heading to. And even though I was walking the path alone again, I didn’t care. It didn’t matter. This is my path. I must walk it on my own.

So, I might feel I'm not ready to change but changes will happen nevertheless. Gradually.

In the meantime, I will continue being silly and naïve. I'll get angry many times. 

Hopefully, one day these emotions won't have any more power over me.

...when it's time.
...once I've learned.
...then I'm ready.