Overview

The year is ending. I'm not making plans this time but I can't help thinking about the last twelve months. I had moments of joy and moments of sadness. We cannot be happy all the time and we cannot be unhappy all the time. 
Much has happened. My grandmother died in the beginning of the year. I wrote a post about her death but didn't speak about her ever since. I remember going to her funeral. Once it ended I ran off the cemetery alongside my sister. I don't like cemeteries. I don't like pain. I don't like people crying, even though I'm a crying baby myself. I took the bus back to Lisbon that same day. I didn't want to be there, that small town where I grew up and where my grandparents have lived their entire life.
These last few weeks I have been thinking about her and my grandfather though. He passed away on December 2015. My mother always told me that when I was born and he looked at me for the first time he said I would be a wild girl. Apparently I was a baby full of life, trying to move my little legs and arms. I remember growing up and wondering if he was right because most of the time I felt like the most boring human being on earth.
I don't know when was the last time I saw him. And then he was gone. And then my grandmother was gone. And life goes on.
Spring came with its fresh mornings and singing birds. Summer came afterwards with its rays of light and beach days. Autumn came with the first rain and squashed foliage beneath our feet.
And here I am. Everything has changed and everything is still the same.
This is the end of a cycle that started two years ago. I know that. I feel it.
I spent the last two years  mostly on my own. I did things I never did before, things that probably wouldn't mean anything to other people but meant so much to me. I learned new things. I understood things about myself, about who I really am. I faced situations that challenged my faith and my beliefs. I kept some beliefs. Others I cut loose. And I spent many hours and days alone but never felt loneliness as a burden. We need silence to listen what is going on inside us.
I've smiled and laughed. And I've cried. Yes, I've cried. I cry a lot. Sometimes I felt relieved, sometimes I didn't. 
As the year ends I don't want much and expect even less. I still have dreams and ambitions. I still haven't given up. Not yet! But I try not to center my life so much on what I can get outside but what I can get inside. I read once a quote that said: "happiness is an inside job". This is so true. One thing I've learned is you cannot expect from others what you won't give yourself.
Sometimes we want to be loved but we don't love ourselves. We want to be accepted but we don't accept ourselves. We want to be respected but we don't respect ourselves. The worst rejection is looking at the mirrow and hating the person you see.
Happy new year!
Learn, love, heal!