A Caminhante

I stopped just to breathe... a deep long breath. For a second there was nothing, that kind of nothing that has always been here since the beginning of time. The nothing that exists before the word, before the feeling and before the thought. I want this! I want this nothing that requests nothing. I want this nothing that is among the trees, this invisible nothing that rips through the sky. I want this nothing that emerges from the water, this nothing that melts in the sun. I want this nothing that cannot be explained nor categorized. I want this nothing that lives freely. I want this nothing that means everything.

I have been driven by fear, remorse, anger and sadness. I have blamed myself for every failure. I have cursed my "bad" luck. But at the end of the day I know that everything happens for a reason. Pain has a unique way of teaching us as we are forced to search inside for the one person we cannot run away from: our true self. Gray Zao painting

Someone told me once my mood is like the sea, sometimes calm, sometimes furious. It cannot be trusted. I'm a complicated woman. My apologies.

I've started packing up my belongings, piles of clothes, books and memories. I've put them all in the suitcase. I should be thrilled but I guess each person has her own way of experiencing the changes in life. It's not the time to overthink but to believe that there will be something amazingly better in the future. I need to remember I'm finally doing one of the things I've been so afraid to do. This sole reason should be enough to make me proud. It should be... I'm trying at last. As I move forward I realize it's still difficult to cope with the past but acceptance will come eventually. And one day I hope that all the things that I'm unable to do now such as forgiving, forgetting, apologizing and letting go, will have become a lot easier to do. <3

I admire so much those people that see the good in everything, that get up on their feet after every fall, that can keep a smile on their faces despite their harsh life, that don't complain nor feel sorry for themselves. Self-pity is never the answer, I should know by now. A good friend of mine advised me to just surrender to life. Life knows better what we need than we know ourselves, he said. Surrendering is not giving up. Surrendering is overcoming our fear of losing, of falling, of failing, of getting hurt, of loving back. Surrendering is trusting that we're being led to where we are supposed to be, that we're getting the experience we need, the time is always right, the moment is always right, it is right when it shines, it is right when it rains... While I was thinking about this I remembered a yoga pose that I practise daily in ashtanga yoga. It is called prasarita padottanasana c. When we start practising this posture with the help of a yoga teacher, our h...

Some memories become so vivid as I'm preparing to leave. Surprisingly or not, while I step into the future there's a part of my heart that still wants to grab a piece of the past that I have once complained so much about. There's a thin line between the known and  the unknown. Have you ever wondered? Most of the times I forget. I know how my life has been so far. I know what happened. I know what didn't happen. I know what I gained and I know what I lost. I know who I've loved, when it started, when it ended. Not so sure about what I've learned with all this. But what about the future? I know nothing. I know I'm someone but I don't know who I am. I can tell what I like, but that doesn't define me. I can tell what I hate. Probably that will only reveal my worst fears. Does it matter not knowing so many things? Does it matter not knowing me? Will I ever know?

We are constantly changing: habits, feelings and beliefs.  I’m certainly not the same person I was 10 years ago. Back in 2007, almost three years after graduation, I moved back to Lisbon and rent a small apartment with a friend of mine in Benfica. I remember packing up and driving happily towards what I believed was my freedom. Still, I was so trapped inside my own ideas of what was right and wrong that I'm sure I missed many opportunities but back then that didn't seem to bother me. When we are in our 20´s we like to believe we have all the time in the world to make amends. The perspective changes when we are in our mid-30’s. We are expected to have achieved a certain number of things that will show other people just how successful we are and how perfect our life is.  We are always in a never-ending quest for the perfect job, the perfect relationship, the perfect house, the perfect family, the perfect friends. Why not be grateful instead for each glimpse of consciousness...